Grandma was listening to the radio as she sowed in the living room. When I walked over to give her a kiss good morning I noticed she was playing country music. This was surprising because the only music I ever heard her listen to was mariachi and classic rock. I never once heard her listen to country music.
The timing of her desire to play country music could not have been better, because this weekend I’m going to Stagecoach, the largest country music festival on the west coast. I personally love country, but I’m a typical California country fan who only listens to it when I’m at a country concert- when I get dressed up in the hottest Cowboy attire that Boot Barn has on clearance- and pretend to be a cowboy. Truth be told, I only go to country concerts for the girls and the party.
I’m a total phony, but Grandma doesn’t know that.
I said “wow Grandma, I didn’t know you liked country music?”
She looked at me like I was a dumbass. When she has her glasses on she has to tilt her head up and look down to talk to me, so no matter what she says, it comes off condescending, but this morning, it was really condescending, “Of course, dis is de American music man! How you no like country?”
I said, “no, no, I DO like country, I’m just shocked cause I nev-“
“De country music is de best ones. All de best singers is de country, dis here,” she pointed to the stereo, “dis is de best ones, make de music soooo beautiful.” She held her arms out and swayed back and forth to the sound of the male singers voice.
Grandma looked me up and down with a look that insinuated minimal respect, “you need to listen to de country music sir, das no right. Dis is de music for de American people. Dis is de—“
“Grandma listen!” I finally had her attention. “I LOVE country. I’ve been to at least 12 country concerts, and I list-“
“Oh yeah, who is dis?” She pointed to the radio.
My face got red because I had no idea, I was ashamed that my 85 year old Colombian-American grandma knew more about country music than I did. I took a blind swing, “oh, that’s um, that’s, Garth Brooks!”
Her face became filled with disgust. She pointed at me with her crooked finger, “You sooooo liar.” Then she turned her back on me out of shame, and rightfully so.
“Are you sure it’s not Garth?” I was full of shit. She ignored me and continued sowing. “Who is it then?”
She turned around annoyed, “Dis is de George eh Straight!” She yelled. “How you don’t know dat?” She held her hands out in despair. “Dis is de best ones!”
“Ohhhhhh, yeah, I was gonna say that next. I thought it sounded like him.” More bullshit.
She didn’t even look at me, she just nodded her head sarcastically as she ran a piece of clothing through her sowing machine, “yeah, ok guy.”
The song ended and one of my favorite country songs came on, “Mayberry,” by Rascal Flatts. I got excited and danced around the living room while singing the song, “And I miss mayyyyyberry, sittin’ on the parch drink ice cold cherry and, coke…”
Grandma looked at me with more disgust.
I said happily, “I know who this is! DO YOU?” I continued dancing all over the living room, even more excited that I knew a country that she didn’t. Grandma was not amused.
I continued, “Comon’ grandma, come dance, this song is my favorite!”
She stood up from her chair and pointed to the stereo, “Dis, no is de country music. Dis music is for de men’s who like de men’s.” She touched her idex fingers together, which is the international symbol for ‘gay.’ Then she resumed her rant. “I don’t what is dis garbage, pero, dis no is de country music.”
I almost fell over laughing. I’d heard that same statement from my Texas friends who grew up on old school country. They hated Rascal Flatts with a passion, and told me I was gay for listening to them. I always took it as a compliment, its happy music.
Grandma shook her head and resumed sowing, while I resumed dancing all over the living room. She kept peering at me out of the corner of her eyes, wondering why, at 32, I still didn’t have a wife and kids, why all my blankets were still animal print, and why I was such a phenomenal dancer.
The post Grandma, on country music, appeared first on Donny O'Malley.
